Let’s Play: Pokemon Fire Red Part 1 (Textual)

February 4th, 2013 -

I really wanted Leaf Green, because that’s the only colour I haven’t played (I haven’t played Fire Red, but I still consider that Red). But sadly that wasn’t an option, for various reasons I won’t explain. When I was an apple-cheeked young lad, I played all the Pokemon games at some point. Blue, Red, Yellow, Silver, Gold – good times with Pokemon. I loved Pokemon with a fiery passion – but now that I’m an old fart, I don’t get around to playing it much. It just doesn’t have the same feeling of  wonder and adventure any more; the joys of getting old I guess.

So let’s get to it.


 Back in my day we had Goddamn Professor Oak.


Oh, there we go. Now, it begins:


In glorious colour! What an age we live in.

That’s a Super Nintendo in front of me. As I recall, that was in the original too. You young folk may not know a lot about the system, but back in my day it was the bomb-diggity. In fact it, along with the original GameBoy, was my first video game system ever. Eventually these machines would set me on the path of passion towards the interactive medium of games, so I have a special fondness of them. In fact, there’s a Super Nintendo and a golden GameBoy that I got for my birthday sitting in my room right now.

Excuse me while I go cuddle them fondly.

Spoiler: It’s just a front for titillating pornographic magazines my character stole from his dad before he abandoned him.  Oh well, I’m sure he’s in a better place now – with Blackjack and hookers. Happy. But I’ll continue on and become a Pokemon legend regardless.

Also holy balls, my house has a staircase. I wish my real-life house had that. We could have bought one that did, but then we didn’t. True story. The one we could have bought, the one with the stairs, it was closer to the pub too. So there’s that. I wonder how being half-cut affects one’s ability to become a Pokemon master. If I could, I’d make my character the Max Payne of the Pokemon universe.

Classic mom.

I seem to remember my house being on the other side of town. Maybe it became a ghetto or something. I hear Pallet Town has some rough neighbourhoods.


Time has proven me wise. Not two feet out of the gate and I was abducted by a paedophile. Well shit, he may as well have painted “FREE CANDY” on the side of the building in red paint. And by paint I mean blood. The blood of his victims.  Because this guy is a serial killer. He kills people.

This strange man pulled me aside and led me to this large building. It’s probably abandoned. I’m not going to be this old paedophile’s latest victim without a bloody, brutal, X-rated fight sequence. Then it will be his blood on the walls. Yes.

Turns out I get to a pick a Pocket Monster. But which one? I think I’ll go with the one I picked on my very first ever playthrough of Pokemon. One that I that I’ve always had a special fondness of.

I did it because I hate you.

I won the battle. After this, I also leveled him up to 6. So that was cool. In this playthrough I’m probably not going to catch a lot of Pokemon. I used to make that mistake a lot. I’d have a fully party of six before I even got to the first gym, all of them low levels. In my later years I discovered it’s better to have fewer Pokemon at higher levels.

At this point because Moist was injured I ran back home to my momma to rest. Now it’s at full health again and it’s time to finally leave Pallet Town, presumably for the first time ever in our young protagonist’s life.

It beings (for real).

What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

Later I would learn that fair Viridian City was the one with the rough neighbourhoods.

Pictured: Wife mourns old man shot down in the street over crack cocaine, vows revenge.

After I searched his pocket for an 8-ball and left before the Po-Po showed up, I went to the Mart and was given an errand to deliver a parcel to the Professor. This was apparently a custom Pokeball. This was either a reference to the strange ball in the anime that was never expanded upon that supposedly contained a Celebi, or a Master Ball. I then got the PokeDex from Oak, allowing to keep tabs on the Pokemon I’ve seen. At this point I returned to Viridian City.

Then, I found an item that I wanted. Alas, cruel fate, the PokeGods were conspiring against me.


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