(R) Duke Nukem Forever

July 7th, 2011 -

**JASON THIS FIRST PARAGRAPH IS SUPPOSED TO BE GRAMMATICALLY WRONG**

Duke Nukem Forever is video game about a man named Duke with a last name of Nukem. The game took forever to come out, hense the title. In this game duke flys not, wait he doesnt fly I think. There are guns and things to pick up. Lots of wemon are topless which is cool. My favorite rocket launcher is the gun because it makes the pigs go explode. Its like very cool and fun to play I recommend it to anyone who likes things…

I’m sorry, I tried to pretend I was 14. I tried to hearken back to that adolescent youth and see this game as I did when I first saw Duke Nukem 3D. I even tried to pretend I was retarded, but I can’t. This game is terrible; so terrible that I couldn’t even be bothered to finish it. I got to the “Queen Bitch,” died repeatedly, and just said “It’s time to play something else and chew patience, and it looks like I’m all out of patience”. So to be fair, I can’t fully review this game, and I’m not really sure this qualifies as a “Hangover” game since I didn’t buy it… So let’s just call this my review of the first half (quarter?) of Duke Nukem Forever.

Let me try to paint a picture here, so that you can understand what this game feels like. Imagine, if you will, Resistance: Fall of Man gets green lit for a movie, but Uwe Bowl directs it. He gets Jean-Claude Van Dam to do his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. The time period is moved from the past to the future, and then the movie is made into a game again, developed by … 3D Realms. You see, I was going to try and find a crappy game studio to fill in that blank. However, when I searched Google just now for “worst game studio,” the first link was THIS. That should pretty much sum up my review of this game. Let’s not leave it at that though, Duke deserves better.

Remember the 1993 Power Rangers? I do! They were awesome when I was a kid, and guess what? It’s now available for instant streaming on Netflix. If you want to know what Duke Nukem Forever is like, go watch a couple episodes of that. If you can stand it and somewhat enjoy it, you may enjoy Duke. If you dry heave after the opening scene, well… I started to watch them, and I couldn’t believe that I actually thought this was cool back then, but that’s kind of the point. When you’re a kid you don’t worry about the details – just the main idea. Giant robots, super powers, cool jump suits, yep that’s cool. Terrible acting, cheesy dialog, ridiculous plots, shitty costumes, terrible cinematography, stereotypes, obvious humor… this is all I see now. The same can be said about Duke, unfortunately. I’m not a pre-teen anymore, and I don’t think this stuff is funny anymore. I’ve seen real boobs, so video game boobs don’t interest me anymore, and the most important evolutionary point: I’ve played lots, and I mean LOTS of FPS games since Duke, and I can see all of its flaws now.

When I first heard all the hate for Duke Nukem I jumped on the defensive line and said “hey wait, these guys don’t get it.” Now that I’ve played it, some of them still don’t get it, but I still agree with them, even if the math they used to get to that solution is wrong. I really wish this game had panned out, and I really wish I had the patience to finish it so that I can give it a proper review. However, there are so many other games that I actually want to play lingering over my head that the slow trudge through the mud that is Duke Nukem Forever unfortunately has to end here.

FFoP Top Tip: Want to play Duke Nukem Forever for nostalgia? Download a sound board – it will have the same effect…

Score: DNF (Did Not Finish)

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